Category: Family/Single Life

The Focus of the Single Life

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life

We have been considering the single life.  In the New Covenant that Jesus ushered in, it is good to be single.  Yes, there are challenges to be overcome, but there are real benefits too.  Yet as we consider singleness, it is good to remember that life is not ultimately about being single or married.  Life is about serving the King and seeking to advance his kingdom.

In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus says that some people remain single for the kingdom of God.  Have you ever considered that possibility?  There are places singles can go and things singles can do that married people simply can’t.  Perhaps God would call you to go to a place that would be too dangerous to bring a family, but you could go alone.  Or perhaps God would call you to a place where the logistics of bring a family would be impossible, but you could go alone.

Think of Paul.  He traveled all over the Roman Empire preaching the gospel.  As he travelled he was beaten, whipped, stoned, imprisoned, and thrown out of town.  Now imagine Paul married.  Would he have taken the risks he did knowing he was responsible to provide for a family?  Could he have financially afforded to travel all over the Empire with a family?  And just imagine him on the road with a three year old on his sore back (from the many lashes) and his five year old walking next to him hand in hand.  “Dad, my legs are sore.  Are we there yet?”  Meanwhile his wife a few paces behind with the baby calls out, “Paul, we need to stop to feed the baby.”  Paul simply could not have accomplished all of God’s purpose for him if he had married.

Or consider Charles Wesley.  As a single adult he travelled all over England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland preaching the gospel.  In his 40s he married.  For a few years he tried to keep up his travels with wife and eventually child in tow, but it proved too difficult.  So he settled down to carry out the ministry in one area.  He simply could not do as a married man what he could do as a single adult.  Both stages of his ministry were important, but the point here is that some things are better done as a single person.

So the question is, what is God calling you to do?  What purpose does he have for you in advancing his kingdom?  You may be able to do it better as a single person.  Then again, perhaps you can do it better as a married person.  Either way, the focus must be on the kingdom.  Singleness or marriage are secondary. 

This is especially important for single people to hear.  Too often, singleness is viewed as simply a time to seek a spouse.  I’m suggesting that you invest your singleness in something much greater – God’s kingdom.  If you find a spouse along the way and marriage fits with God’s plan for you – fine.  If not, keep serving.  The focus of the single life should not be searching for a spouse, but serving the King.  God’s purpose for you is much greater than the possibility of marriage.

Oh, that singles would approach their singleness as an opportunity to serve the Lord!  Oh that married people would use their marriages as opportunities to serve the Lord!  Oh that together we would seek first the kingdom of God!

Benefits of the Single Life

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life

So far we have noted that it is good to be single, yet there are some challenges.  Today we want to consider two benefits.

Benefit #1 – Simplicity

Single people can focus their time and energy in one direction, whether that be school, career, or some other pursuit.  They have more freedom to take opportunities that come along.  It is easier to move from one place to another.  Family complicates things.  Our focus is torn in different directions.  Time is divided.  Responsibilities increase.  It is harder to provide for a family than one person.  It is harder to take opportunities, and harder to move.  Married folks have worldly troubles or tribulations that single people never have ( I Corinthians 7:28).  Not that family is bad, but it does complicate life.  Both singleness and marriage have benefits, and one benefit of singleness is simplicity.

 Benefit #2 – Undivided Attention

This benefit is directly related to the first, but moves in a specific direction.  Paul writes in I Corinthians 7:32-35:

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

In marriage, much attention must be given to my spouse – his/her needs, wants, and concerns.  The single person can focus solely on God.  Now certainly in loving family we can show love to God, and in serving family we can serve God.  But the married person’s attention is still divided. 

In the passage above, Paul uses the same phrase three times with three different objects: “how to please” followed by “the Lord,” his wife,” and “her husband.”  Married people can easily replace the Lord with wife or husband.  This of course is idolatry.  This does not have to happen, but the temptation is there – a temptation single people simply don’t have. 

While Paul envisions (and assumedly enjoys) this benefit of undivided attention to God for single people, I fear that it is rather rare today.  Too many single people find any number of other things to distract themselves from undivided attention to God.  And many dream of that perfect spouse who will fulfill all their needs; that is, they have turned their dreamed-of-spouse into an idol. 

But Paul challenges singles to something better.  With the simplicity and undivided attention possible with the single life, Paul challenges singles to devote their lives to God.  Instead of living a distracted life, focus on serving him.  Instead of pining for someone, hunger and thirst more for God. 

The greatest benefits of singleness is the simplicity that makes undivided attention to God possible.  If you are single, embrace this benefit with everything you have.  Focus on God.  Seek him.  Serve him.  Love him.  Live for him.

Challenges of the Single Life 2

On By BrianIn Church Life, Family/Single Life

It is good to be single, but there are challenges.  One challenge is self-control, which we considered yesterday.  Another challenge is loneliness.

Challenge #2 – Loneliness

This is a huge challenge for many singles.  I was single for eight years, and it was a challenge to me.  However, it would be good to begin with the realization that marriage is not the cure for loneliness.  There are many lonely married people.  Even in good marriages, your spouse will not meet all your relational needs.  Guys need guy comaraderie.  Ladies need girl friends.  Men and women are built differently, and we need friends of the same gender.  Put bluntly, a spouse is not God – a spouse simply cannot meet all your needs.  Now certainly a spouse can help with this challenge, but so can friends.  To address the challenge of loneliness, we need community – we need family.

As Barry Danylak points out in his book Redeeming Singleness, physical offspring was of high priority in the Old Testament.  And so the physical family was of central importance.  But starting with the prophets who forsaw the New Covenant, and especially in the New Testament, the focus shifts to spiritual offspring, to making disciples (Isaiah 53:10, 54:1, Galatians 4:19, Matthew 28:19-20, etc.).  And so in the New Testament a spiritual family becomes the focus; that is, the church.

Whether single or married, God has provided us with a new family.  God has adopted us as his children.  In Christ, we are brothers and sisters.  Jesus points us to this new family.  Consider for instance, Matthew 12:46-50:

While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

Jesus tells us that his disciples are his new family.  Those who believe in and follow Jesus have become a new family.  Or consider Jesus’ words in Mark 10:29-30:

Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.

If we leave our physical family behind, how do we gain a family a hundredfold?  We gain a spiritual family – God’s church.  And how should we treat one another in the church?  Consider Pauls’ words in I Timothy 5:1-2:

Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.

The church is a family and we should treat one another as family. 

To address loneliness, we need community, we need family.  And God has provided us with a new family.  Singles don’t need to marry to find family, they already have a family in the church.  If the church is functioning right, singles can find the community they need in their church family.  “If” of course is the big word here.  How many of our churches are functioning as a family?

What singles need is not be split off into a singles group; they need their church family.  They need the church to be the family God designed it to be.  That means we care for each other and serve one another.  It means we get together during the week for meals and activities.  I’m not talking about church programs here, but people just getting together as family.  It means we invite people over to our homes, and visit in other people’s homes.  It means we call each other on the phone, e-mail each other, maybe use Facebook.  It means we make sure no one is alone on holidays.  It means we celebrate each other’s birthdays.  It means we break free from the individualism of our culture.  It means married folks realize that the church is a family, and that they have obligations to this family as well as their physical one.  It means we act like family. 

This is one of my dreams for the church I pastor – that we would act like the family we are.  That singles and married folks alike would be attracted to our church because they find in it a family.  By God’s grace, we are moving in this direction, though we have a long ways to go as well.  What about your church?  Don’t grumble that your church isn’t like that.  Be the catalyst to change things.  Start inviting people to your home.  Make sure no one is alone on holidays.  Celebrate birthdays.  Start to treat your church as family.

Loneliness is a real challenge for singles, and married people too.  God designed the church to be the family we need.  Let’s seek to be that family!

Challenges of the Single Life

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life2 Comments

It is good to be single, but there are challenges.  Of course there are challenges to being married too.  Challenges do not negate the goodness of either singleness or marriage.  Let me address two challenges of the single life – one in this post, and one in the next.

Challenge #1 – Self-Control

We live in a sex-crazed culture that no longer believes sex must be reserved for marriage.  Paul faced a similar situation with the Corinthian church.  And he was very clear, that Christians had to be different:

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. – I Corinthians 6:18-20

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. – I Corinthians 7:8-9

If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. – I Corinthians 7:36-37

Sex is reserved for marriage.  If you cannot exercise self-control, you should marry.  This is the only imperative requiring marriage in the New Testament.  And yet, verse 37 makes it clear that self-control is possible even in a close relationship.  In opposition to much of our culture, we must reject the notion that we are mere animals who can’t help ourselves.  We are image-bearers of God.  And as Christians, we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us to empower us.  We must act like it!

Our world of course does not make this easy.  We must vigilantly guard our eyes and our thoughts (married folks must do this too).  We must embrace the truth that there is more to life than romance and sex.  (Is not our world’s pre-occupation with sex a clear sign of its sickness?)  If we enter a relationship, we ought to keep it non-physical.  The Song of Solomon gives great advice to this end for single people:

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. – Song of Solomon 2:7

Simply put, don’t do things that stir up feelings that you cannot satisfy.  When I was a teen, all I heard was don’t have sex.  But the Bible tells us not do things that will awaken those desires.  I wonder how many single people struggle or live defeated lives simply because they are unaware of the Bible’s instruction here or have chosen to reject it.  Don’t awaken desires you can’t fulfill.

So the first challenge is self-control.  And it is a real challenge.  But by vigilantly guarding your eyes, thoughts, and desires, with the truth of God’s Word and the power of the Spirit, you can victoriously face this challenge.  It need not define you.  There is much more to life than this.  It really is good to be single.

It Is Good To Be Single

On By BrianIn Church Life, Family/Single Life2 Comments

It is good to be single. 

As Barry Danylak explores in his book, Redeeming Singleness, people in the Old Testament had to marry to have physical offspring.  Offspring was necessary for the coming Messiah, and was closely linked to blessings.  But now the Messiah has come, and our blessings are found in him.  Marriage is no longer necessary.  We have the option to remain single, and it is a good option.

Paul writes in I Corinthians 7:8 – “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.”  It is good to remain single like Paul.  Jesus too, the only perfect human being, was single.  It is good to be single.

Of course it is also good to marry.  Paul writes in verses 27-28 – “Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.  But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned.”  It is okay to be married.  It is okay to be single.  Both are good options. 

We all need to hear this, for the following reasons:

  1. It is common, especially for young singles, to hear on a regular basis certain questions and comments, such as:  “Have you met someone yet?”  “You mean you’re not married yet!  What are you waiting for?”  With numerous variations well-meaning married folks assume single people have to marry, and load essentially unbiblical expectations on them.  Instead married folks should affirm the single person’s current situation as good.  If the single person marries that will be good too, but in the meantime, it is good to be single.
  2. It is entirely possible (and maybe common?) for churches to treat single people as second class citizens.  Rather than incorporate them into the life of the church, we can relegate them to a singles ministry.  Now there is nothing wrong with singles getting together, but they need to be incorporated into the rest of the church.  There are more important things in the Kingdom than marital status.  Beyond church interactions, is the basic attitude that one can find towards singles.  The idea seems to be that singles need to grow up and get married.  In other words, single people by definition are immature.  Especially younger singles may be immature, but getting married hardly makes one suddenly mature.  It is good to be single.  It is good to be married.  There are no second class citizens in God’s Kingdom.  Let’s make sure we treat each other that way.
  3. Singles need to hear that it is good to be single.  Beyond unbiblical church expectations and attitudes, there is the reality of our culture.  Movies, TV, even commercials often suggest that you should have that special someone, though getting married has become a secondary issue.  The classic movie plot remains boy meets girl and they fall in love.  Music is all about romantic love.  Sex is apparently what life is about.  And in the noise of our culture, single folks need to hear again and again – it is good to be single.  There is much more to life than romance and sex.  You are a whole person without a spouse.  Jesus was single.  It is good to be single.

It is good to be single.  Yes, there are some challenges (married folks have challenges too), but there are also some benefits.  We will look at these in upcoming posts….

Church Is Cancelled – Now What?

On By BrianIn Church Life, Family/Single Life, Heart

The winter storm closed most of the churches in our area this morning.  So how should we respond when we hear that church is cancelled?  Let me give you six suggestions.

1. Disappointment.  We should be excited about the opportunity to gather with God’s people in God’s presence each week for worship, discipleship, and fellowship.   Naturally there will be a sense of disappointment when that opportunity is taken away.  If there is not that sense of disappointment, we must ask ourselves why.  Have our hearts grown dull?  Have we lost interest in fellowship with God and his people?  Lost the hunger to worship and grow?  Certainly we might be thankful that we do not have to brave the winter mess, but to actually be excited about having no church and lacking a sense of disappointment says much about our hearts.  Our hearts should reflect the Psalmist’s heart who wrote in Psalm 42:1-2:  As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  When shall I come and appear before God?  If this is not our response, we must examine our hearts.

2. Trust.  God is sovereign; he is in control.  Our lives are in his hands.  If his plan is to send a winter storm so that we can’t meet together as a church, then that is his business.  We may be disappointed, but we should also trust that God knows what he is doing.  Be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10).

3. Rest.  This Christmas season is hectic.  Today was supposed to bring not only morning services but a Christmas party and Christmas caroling.  Now suddenly everything has been called off.  Perhaps in the midst of all of our busyness, God knew we just needed a break, a chance to stop and rest.  So perhaps perhaps part of our response is to take the opportunity God has given and rest from the all the hustle and bustle.  Rest was part of the Sabbath principle anyway, wasn’t it?

4. Family Worship.  We may not be able to meet as a church, but we can certainly still meet as a family to praise God and study God’s Word.  Whether there is one or two or four or twenty or any number in between in your family, you can gather to worship.  Sing some songs of praise from a hymnal or chorus book or with a praise CD.  Discuss a passage of Scripture together or listen to a sermon on the radio or internet or from a CD.  Gathering as a church to worship is important, but if you can’t, gather to worship as a family.

5. Personal Time with the Lord.  You have been given the gift of a whole day.  In addition to worshipping as a family, why not spend some personal time with the Lord in prayer and His Word.  Perhaps read part of a book that will challenge you to grow in the Lord or encourage you to look to God in your trials.  Don’t waste the day – invest it for your walk with the Lord.

6. Family Time.  Enjoy time together as a family.  Talk.  Laugh.  Play a game.  Do something together.  Again, don’t waste the day – invest it for your family.

Now Marriage Is A Picture

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life, Sermon Songs1 Comment

Now Marriage Is A Picture

The Church’s one foundation, is Jesus Christ her Lord
She is His new creation, by water and the Word
From heaven He came and sought her, to be His holy bride
With His own blood He bought her, and for her life He died.

Now marriage is a picture, of Jesus and his bride
May our vows remain secure, may we in love abide
For Christ will never leave us, forsake us never he
As he is faithful to us, so faithful we must be

May sacrificial giving, be in our homes today
And true humble forgiving, and grace in all we say
For Jesus died to save us, forgive those gone astray
He pours his grace upon us, with more grace every day

Each husband love his own wife, and leading for her best
As Jesus gave his own life, to give us hope and rest
Each wife respect her husband, and joyfully submit
As we before the Lord stand, and gladly do commit

May each and every marriage, shaped by the gospel be
Forsake the gods of this age, worship the Lord only
All praises we would give you, for all that you have done
Forever we’ll adore you, Great God the Three in One

(First verse by Samuel J. Stone from the hymn The Church’s One Foundation, to the same tune by Samuel S. Wesley, Public Domain.  I wrote verses 2-5 to go with the Gospel Shaped Marriage sermon which I just blogged.  All rights reserved.  Copyright 2010.)

Gospel Shaped Marriage 4

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life

Marriage is based on the gospel and is a picture of the gospel, so our marriages must be shaped by the gospel.  In the last two posts, we noted that this happens as we sacrificially give of ourselves and as we commit to grow in holiness.  Now we’ll look at two final aspects of a gospel shaped marriage, and then conclude our reflections.

First, a gospel shaped marriage has a firm grip.  The gospel makes clear that Christ has a firm grip on his church.  He will not divorce his church.  He will not get tired of his church.  The marriage supper of the lamb is certain.  Our spending eternity with him is certain.  Now if marriage is based on the gospel and is a picture of the gospel, we must have a firm grip on one another in marriage.  If Christ will not divorce his church, then we cannot divorce each other.  If marriage pictures the gospel, then divorce distorts the picture.  So we must have a firm grip on one another.  Not a loose grip, not a slow drifting apart, but a firm grip.  We must guard our marriages lest we distort the picture of the gospel by divorce.

Second, a gospel shaped marriage includes forgiving grace.  In Ephesians 4:31-32 we see the gospel in the last phrase: “as God in Christ forgave you.”  God has forgiven us through Christ.  Every sin is buried forever, never to be dug up and used against us.  Now if marriage is a picture of the gospel, then we must forgive one another.  Past sins must be buried and remain buried, never to be dug up and used against the other person.  In the gospel, we find that God has poured out his grace on us – even though we don’t deserve it.  In a gospel shaped marriage, we must share that grace with our spouse – even when he or she doesn’t deserve it.  It isn’t about deserving – it is about grace, it’s about a gospel shaped marriage.

Our culture sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts its low distorted view of marriage.  In the midst of the onslaught, let us take our stand on a high true view of marriage.  Marriage is based on the gospel and is a picture of the gospel.  So let us sacrificially give of ourselves.  Let us be committed to growing in holiness.  Let us have a firm grip on our spouse.  Let us extend grace and forgiveness.  Let us live gospel shaped marriages.

And when death comes, our marriages will end.  The picture of the gospel will be finished, but the gospel that our marriages picture will go on.  When Christ returns, we’ll celebrate the marriage supper of the lamb.  And new joys will expand forever and ever with the Lord.  Even so, come Lord Jesus.

Gospel Shaped Marriage 3

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life

Marriage is based on the Christ/church relationship and pictures the Christ/church relationship.  Marriage is closely connected to the gospel.  That means my question – how should the gospel shape our marriages? – is not incidental but essential.  The gospel must shape our marriages because our marriages are based on the gospel and point to the gospel.  So how should the gospel shape our marriages?

In the last post we noted that our marriages should have a sacrificial giving of ourselves to each other – as Christ sacrificially gave of himself for the church, and the church sacrificially submits itself to Christ.  Now we want to consider a second way that the gospel should shape our marriages – a commitment to grow in holiness.

In Ephesians 5:25-27, we find that Christ sacrificially gave of himself to make the church holy.  “In the same way husbands should love their wives…” (v28).  As Christ makes the church holy, so husbands should seek the holiness of their wives.  A husband’s leadership (see last post) includes spiritual leading as he seeks to help his wife grow in holiness.  Men, are we doing this?  Are we encouraging our wives in their daily time with the Lord?  Are we taking them to church, and leading them to serve in the church?  Are we praying for them and with them?  Are we leading our wives to grow in holiness?

What about wives?  Can they help their husbands grow in holiness?  At first look, the answer might be no.  The church does not help Christ grow in holiness, so the wife should not help her husband grow in holiness.  But we need to understand that, while the husband is patterned after Christ, he is not Christ.  Christ was sinless, husbands are not.  (If any men have any doubts about this, ask your wife, and she will clear it up for you!)  Husbands need to grow in holiness.  So it would seem that wives could encourage their husbands to grow.  Not nag.  Not try to lead.  But gently encourage their husbands.

Yet marriage is more than just helping each other grow.  Marriage itself is a laboratory for growth.  The gospel reminds us that Christ gave of himself (v25).  He humbled himself unto death (Philippians 2:8).  And part of our response is to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow him (Matthew 16:24).  An important part of growth is this self-denial, this humbling, this giving of ourselves – this becoming like Jesus.  This means that marriage is a great context for growth because a huge part of marriage is a sacrificial giving of ourselves (see last post).  If we commit to the sacrificial roles God designed for us, we will grow more like Christ, we will grow in holiness.

So marriage is based on the gospel and is a picture of the gospel.  Our marriages must be shaped by the gospel.  This happens as we sacrificially give of ourselves and commit to grow in holiness.  We will look at two final aspects of a gospel shaped marriage in the next post.

Gospel Shaped Marriage 2

On By BrianIn Family/Single Life

To recap from the last post:  marriage is based on the Christ/church relationship and pictures the Christ/church relationship.  Marriage is closely connected to the gospel.  That means my question – how should the gospel shape our marriages? – is not incidental but essential.  The gospel must shape our marriages because our marriages are based on the gospel and point to the gospel.  So how should the gospel shape our marriages?

First, there is to be a sacrificial giving of ourselves.  Let’s start with husbands, whose role is based on Christ.  Christ sacrificially loved the church, giving of himself for the good of the church.  So the husband is to sacrificially love his wife, giving of himself for the good of his wife.  Christ nourishes and cherishes (takes care of) his church.  So the husband is to nourish and cherish his wife, providing for her needs.  Christ is the head of the church, providing leadership for the church.  So the husband is the head of the wife, providing leadership for the family.

This latter point of course irritates many people.  But we must see it in the context of what we said before.  This leadership is sacrificial, seeking the wife’s best, and providing for the wife.  There is no room for self-centered demands in this leadership.  It is a sacrificial giving of the husband for his wife.  This is a gospel shaped marriage.

Then wives too are to sacrificially give of themselves.  This is done through submission to the husband.  This too irritates many people.  Some want to argue that Paul is stuck in his own culture, and this is the twenty first century!  But notice again Paul’s statement is based on the Christ/church relationship.  If marriage is based on and pictures the gospel, the wife must submit to her husband as the church submits to Christ.  But this is degrading to women many might say.  But dear church – do you feel degraded because you are called to submit to Christ?  No?  So submission need not be degrading.  Jesus says that if we love him we will obey him (John 14:15).  So the church submits to Christ out of love.  And so the wife can submit to her husband out of love.  As the church cheerfully, joyfully, freely submits to Christ, so can the wife submit to her husband.  This indeed requires a sacrificial giving of herself, but in doing it she points to the gospel.  This is a gospel shaped marriage.

So a gospel shaped marriage acknowledges different roles for the husband and the wife based on the roles of Christ and the church.  Both of these roles flow out of a sacrificial giving of ourselves.  We’ll consider further aspects of a gospel shaped marriage in the next post.