I have been planning to add a Family resource page for quite awhile, and it is now up. On it you will find a number of resources on the single life and marriage. I hope to add parenting resources soon. Happy reading!
Author: Brian
Follower of Jesus, Husband, Dad, Grandpa, and Pastor
Passion Quotes
Here are a few more quotes – this time on the gospel and idolatry.
The Gospel
Tim Keller: You’re more sinful than you ever dared believe; you’re more loved than you ever dared hope.
Tullian Tchividjian: When you trust in Jesus, your identity and worth is no longer based on what you can accomplish but on what Jesus accomplished for you.
Tullian Tchividjian: The gospel is meant to bring us to the end of ourselves so that we finally place our meaning, purpose, and sense of well-being in Jesus.
Idolatry
D.A. Carson: The heart of all idolatry in the world is the de-Godding of God.
Louie Giglio: Worship should really matter to you – whatever you worship, you become.
Passion Points – Family
In keeping with the theme of the last few posts, here are some good links on marriage and the family.
First, Jared Wilson gives some direction for a grace-driven marriage. Justin Taylor gives some thoughts from John Piper on the husband’s call to lead in reconciliation after the inevitable quarrels of marriage.
You might also check out some helpful booklets on marriage from RBC Ministries that you can view on-line:
Building Blocks To A Strong Marriage
What Is The Promise of Marriage?
Abigail & Leah: Living In A Difficult Marriage
When The Flame Flickers: Rekindling Intimacy In Your Marriage
Finally, here are some helpful links related to some family issues recently in the news:
Albert Mohler gives some helpful commentary on President Obama’s recent announcement that the Justice Department will no longer defend the Defense of Marriage Act. You might also consider John Piper’s reaction.
Meanwhile, Joel Northrup, a high school student in Iowa, refused to wrestle against a girl in the state championship wrestling tournament. Despite there being good moral reasons for Northrup to take this stand, much of the media has lambasted him. Albert Mohler and John Piper again give helpful commentary on this clash of worldviews related to the family.
Consummation: Marriage Transcended
At Creation, God defined marriage. At the Fall, marriage was complicated. In Redemption, marriage can be transformed by grace. At the Consummation, marriage will be transcended.
There will be no marriage in heaven, in the resurrection, in the New Earth. Jesus makes this clear in Luke 20:34-36:
And Jesus said to them, “The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage, for they cannot die anymore, because they are equal to angels and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection.
– Luke 20:34-36
At least two things follow from this. First, marriage is not the ultimate reality. God is. While I must be the best spouse I can be, my first allegiance is to God. I dare not let marriage become an idol that I put before God.
Second, this life is all I have to be the best spouse I can be. One day I will be conformed into the image of Christ, but then it will be too late for me to be a better spouse because then there will be no more marriage. This life is all I have. And this life is short. There are no guarantees of tomorrow. This day is all I have to be the best spouse I can be. Perhaps God will give us tomorrow. In that case, it will be another opportunity to be the best spouse I can be. It is too easy to put this off, to assume that we have lots of time. But we may not. Let’s use each day as a new opportunity to be the best spouse we can be.
What will you do today to be build your marriage, to show your love, to be a better spouse?
Fall/Redemption: Marriage Complicated and Transformed
In creation, God defined marriage. And we would all live happlily ever after, except for the Fall.
Fall: Marriage Complicated
Because of our sin, the world is now cursed. That mutual help between spouses has been complicated by much harder work. Spouses get sick, grow old, and die. Couples can see their children die. Other couples aren’t able to have children. The Fall complicates marriage, and that doesn’t even take into account our sin.
There is a great book title by Dave Harvey called “When Sinners Say I Do.” You married a sinner. So did your spouse. And our sin complicates marriage in untold ways. Selfishness can wreak havoc on companionship. Self-centeredness can destroy mutual help. A spouse can refuse to really leave parents. Couples divorce. A spouse may have an affair. Even children can be turned into idols. Hurtful words and actions. Explosions of anger. Strife. Abuse. A lack of love. Sin can hurt marriages in countless ways and bring untold heartache, pain, struggle, turmoil, and misery. Your spouse is a sinner. So are you. And if God left marriage there, we would be in a heap of trouble. But God didn’t leave marriage there, which brings us to redemption.
Redemption: Marriage Transformed By Grace
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace. – Ephesians 1:7
We deserved judgment for our sins. But Jesus died so that we could be forgiven of every sin. Instead of judgment, we received grace. And as we receive his grace, our marriages can be transformed as we extend that grace to our spouse.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
– Ephesians 4:31-32
These words were written in the context of the church family, but they apply incredibly well to marriage as well. Instead of having marriages full of anger and malice, God calls us to forgive as he forgave us. To extend the grace we received to our spouse. And as we recognize our sin and receive God’s grace, we can then also acknowledge our sin to our spouse and seek their forgiveness. As spouses extend and receive grace from each other, they can reconcile with each other instead of letting divisions linger. They can follow the instructions given just a few verses earlier: “do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26).
Marriage is transformed by grace as spouses extend and receive grace from each other. But grace transforms marriage in another way:
For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age.
– Titus 2:11-12
God’s grace not only forgives sin, but it trains us not to continue in it. God’s grace can help us be the people God created us to be. His grace can help us overcome the sin that wrecks marriages. His grace can help us be better wives and husbands as we cooperate with God’s working in our lives.
So marriage is complicated by the Fall. But Jesus came not only to save us from our sins, but also to transform our marriages by his grace. As we receive grace from God, we can extend that grace to our spouse and receive grace from our spouse. As we cooperate with God’s grace, we can begin to overcome sin and become better husbands and wives. May we grow in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ!
Creation: Marriage Defined
In the last few posts we have focused on the single life. Starting with this post, we now want to consider marriage. We want to consider marriage because many are married. We also need to think biblically about marriage in the midst of a culture which is increasingly rejecting God’s definition of marriage. So today we begin with creation where we find marriage defined in Genesis 2:18-25:
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
From this passage we see that marriage is defined as:
Close Companionship – It was not good for man to be alone. He needed a companion. Marriage is about companionship. Living life together. Loving each other. Doing things together. Talking and listening.
Mutual Help – God said he would make a helper fit for the man. Marriage is about mutual help, as each spouse helps the other. Often each spouse will bring different strengths, abilities, and interests to the marriage that complement each other and allow them to help each other. The husband and wife each have different roles that they are to fulfill, and in doing so, help each other. When one is sick or tired or overwhelmed, the other can help. There should be a willingness to serve the other.
Between a Man and a Woman – These verses are very clear that marriage is between a man and a woman. Much of our culture rejects that idea, but God is very clear about what he defines as marriage. Enough said.
Leave Parents – A man shall leave his father and his mother. Marriage entails leaving one’s parents. Not neglecting or ignoring, but a real leaving. The couple is forming a new family. Neither one can keep going back to Mom or Dad. One’s spouse must now be that primary relationship.
Hold Fast – The man is to hold fast to his wife. Marriage is about a commitment. The couple is to hold fast to one another. The KJV uses the word cleave. They are to cling to each other and never let go. They are glued to each other. It is to be a permanent thing. As Jesus says in Matthew 19:6 – “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” This puts the commitment in a whole new light. It is not just a commitment between two individuals, but rather God himself joins them together.
One Flesh – They shall become one flesh. It is within the covenant of marriage that sex is to take place. Again much of our culture has rejected this, but God is very clear. And this one flesh relationship is very important in marriage. Paul reminds us in I Corinthians 7:3-5, that sex is to be a regular part of the marriage relationship. What’s more, each one belongs to the other. They are truly one.
Possibility of Children – In Genesis 1:28, God blesses Adam and Eve and calls them to be fruitful and multiply. The one flesh relationship of a husband and wife brings the possibility of children as God blesses.
In Creation then, God defines marriage as a close companionship of mutual help between a man and a woman who leave their parents, hold fast to each other in a one flesh relationship with the possibility of children. Is this your view of marriage? And if you are married, are there areas where you need to grow in living out this definistion more fully?
The Focus of the Single Life
We have been considering the single life. In the New Covenant that Jesus ushered in, it is good to be single. Yes, there are challenges to be overcome, but there are real benefits too. Yet as we consider singleness, it is good to remember that life is not ultimately about being single or married. Life is about serving the King and seeking to advance his kingdom.
In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus says that some people remain single for the kingdom of God. Have you ever considered that possibility? There are places singles can go and things singles can do that married people simply can’t. Perhaps God would call you to go to a place that would be too dangerous to bring a family, but you could go alone. Or perhaps God would call you to a place where the logistics of bring a family would be impossible, but you could go alone.
Think of Paul. He traveled all over the Roman Empire preaching the gospel. As he travelled he was beaten, whipped, stoned, imprisoned, and thrown out of town. Now imagine Paul married. Would he have taken the risks he did knowing he was responsible to provide for a family? Could he have financially afforded to travel all over the Empire with a family? And just imagine him on the road with a three year old on his sore back (from the many lashes) and his five year old walking next to him hand in hand. “Dad, my legs are sore. Are we there yet?” Meanwhile his wife a few paces behind with the baby calls out, “Paul, we need to stop to feed the baby.” Paul simply could not have accomplished all of God’s purpose for him if he had married.
Or consider Charles Wesley. As a single adult he travelled all over England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland preaching the gospel. In his 40s he married. For a few years he tried to keep up his travels with wife and eventually child in tow, but it proved too difficult. So he settled down to carry out the ministry in one area. He simply could not do as a married man what he could do as a single adult. Both stages of his ministry were important, but the point here is that some things are better done as a single person.
So the question is, what is God calling you to do? What purpose does he have for you in advancing his kingdom? You may be able to do it better as a single person. Then again, perhaps you can do it better as a married person. Either way, the focus must be on the kingdom. Singleness or marriage are secondary.
This is especially important for single people to hear. Too often, singleness is viewed as simply a time to seek a spouse. I’m suggesting that you invest your singleness in something much greater – God’s kingdom. If you find a spouse along the way and marriage fits with God’s plan for you – fine. If not, keep serving. The focus of the single life should not be searching for a spouse, but serving the King. God’s purpose for you is much greater than the possibility of marriage.
Oh, that singles would approach their singleness as an opportunity to serve the Lord! Oh that married people would use their marriages as opportunities to serve the Lord! Oh that together we would seek first the kingdom of God!
Benefits of the Single Life
So far we have noted that it is good to be single, yet there are some challenges. Today we want to consider two benefits.
Benefit #1 – Simplicity
Single people can focus their time and energy in one direction, whether that be school, career, or some other pursuit. They have more freedom to take opportunities that come along. It is easier to move from one place to another. Family complicates things. Our focus is torn in different directions. Time is divided. Responsibilities increase. It is harder to provide for a family than one person. It is harder to take opportunities, and harder to move. Married folks have worldly troubles or tribulations that single people never have ( I Corinthians 7:28). Not that family is bad, but it does complicate life. Both singleness and marriage have benefits, and one benefit of singleness is simplicity.
Benefit #2 – Undivided Attention
This benefit is directly related to the first, but moves in a specific direction. Paul writes in I Corinthians 7:32-35:
I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
In marriage, much attention must be given to my spouse – his/her needs, wants, and concerns. The single person can focus solely on God. Now certainly in loving family we can show love to God, and in serving family we can serve God. But the married person’s attention is still divided.
In the passage above, Paul uses the same phrase three times with three different objects: “how to please” followed by “the Lord,” his wife,” and “her husband.” Married people can easily replace the Lord with wife or husband. This of course is idolatry. This does not have to happen, but the temptation is there – a temptation single people simply don’t have.
While Paul envisions (and assumedly enjoys) this benefit of undivided attention to God for single people, I fear that it is rather rare today. Too many single people find any number of other things to distract themselves from undivided attention to God. And many dream of that perfect spouse who will fulfill all their needs; that is, they have turned their dreamed-of-spouse into an idol.
But Paul challenges singles to something better. With the simplicity and undivided attention possible with the single life, Paul challenges singles to devote their lives to God. Instead of living a distracted life, focus on serving him. Instead of pining for someone, hunger and thirst more for God.
The greatest benefits of singleness is the simplicity that makes undivided attention to God possible. If you are single, embrace this benefit with everything you have. Focus on God. Seek him. Serve him. Love him. Live for him.
Passion Points – Single Life
In keeping with our theme this week, here are some good articles about the single life:
Tim Keller reminds us that singleness is a good Biblical option in a world that either trivializes or idolizes family.
Brooks Waldron considers the meaning of singleness.
Finally, Dave Egner has a booklet in pdf format you can read online that explodes myths, considers Scriptures, and addresses issues related to the single life. Highly recommended for singles and indeed anyone in the church.
Next week, we’ll continue looking at the single life as we consider benefits, as well as the right focus.
Challenges of the Single Life 2
It is good to be single, but there are challenges. One challenge is self-control, which we considered yesterday. Another challenge is loneliness.
Challenge #2 – Loneliness
This is a huge challenge for many singles. I was single for eight years, and it was a challenge to me. However, it would be good to begin with the realization that marriage is not the cure for loneliness. There are many lonely married people. Even in good marriages, your spouse will not meet all your relational needs. Guys need guy comaraderie. Ladies need girl friends. Men and women are built differently, and we need friends of the same gender. Put bluntly, a spouse is not God – a spouse simply cannot meet all your needs. Now certainly a spouse can help with this challenge, but so can friends. To address the challenge of loneliness, we need community – we need family.
As Barry Danylak points out in his book Redeeming Singleness, physical offspring was of high priority in the Old Testament. And so the physical family was of central importance. But starting with the prophets who forsaw the New Covenant, and especially in the New Testament, the focus shifts to spiritual offspring, to making disciples (Isaiah 53:10, 54:1, Galatians 4:19, Matthew 28:19-20, etc.). And so in the New Testament a spiritual family becomes the focus; that is, the church.
Whether single or married, God has provided us with a new family. God has adopted us as his children. In Christ, we are brothers and sisters. Jesus points us to this new family. Consider for instance, Matthew 12:46-50:
While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
Jesus tells us that his disciples are his new family. Those who believe in and follow Jesus have become a new family. Or consider Jesus’ words in Mark 10:29-30:
Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.
If we leave our physical family behind, how do we gain a family a hundredfold? We gain a spiritual family – God’s church. And how should we treat one another in the church? Consider Pauls’ words in I Timothy 5:1-2:
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.
The church is a family and we should treat one another as family.
To address loneliness, we need community, we need family. And God has provided us with a new family. Singles don’t need to marry to find family, they already have a family in the church. If the church is functioning right, singles can find the community they need in their church family. “If” of course is the big word here. How many of our churches are functioning as a family?
What singles need is not be split off into a singles group; they need their church family. They need the church to be the family God designed it to be. That means we care for each other and serve one another. It means we get together during the week for meals and activities. I’m not talking about church programs here, but people just getting together as family. It means we invite people over to our homes, and visit in other people’s homes. It means we call each other on the phone, e-mail each other, maybe use Facebook. It means we make sure no one is alone on holidays. It means we celebrate each other’s birthdays. It means we break free from the individualism of our culture. It means married folks realize that the church is a family, and that they have obligations to this family as well as their physical one. It means we act like family.
This is one of my dreams for the church I pastor – that we would act like the family we are. That singles and married folks alike would be attracted to our church because they find in it a family. By God’s grace, we are moving in this direction, though we have a long ways to go as well. What about your church? Don’t grumble that your church isn’t like that. Be the catalyst to change things. Start inviting people to your home. Make sure no one is alone on holidays. Celebrate birthdays. Start to treat your church as family.
Loneliness is a real challenge for singles, and married people too. God designed the church to be the family we need. Let’s seek to be that family!
Brian J. Mikul 